I am sure that I am in a dilemma for certain things that I have done. When I had initiated that action of mine, I was sure that I was right but, when I think of it now, I am sure that I was wrong. Though, it had taught me a lesson, yet I am unable to cope up with the loss that those involved had to go through. I still don’t know whether I was follo...wing my heart or my mind, for the mistake that I made was grave. And I am still unable to comprehend it.
Having stayed away from ever since I gained my consciousness, I, kind of ,understand the world and it’s preaching from my friends and teachers' point of view rather than my parents. Maybe I am the one who is at fault but I have always learnt things from my friends and teachers rather than my parents. It was my granny who taught me how to walk and speak. It was through her that I learnt the word ‘Ema’. I was away from home ever since I learnt to write ABC without understanding what was it. I never knew what family value was because when I began to understand certain things about life I found myself in the company of friends to comfort me and under the supervision of a warden who was very strict and whom we all feared.
After having done PG, then only I realized the true value of a family. I had passed out from the university and before my result was out I got a job. I started working then and there. My parents were quite happy with the achievement and my mom was dying to come here and stay with us. So just to fulfill her wishes we invited her over and stayed with her for over two months. When I recall those days, I believe that was the best days of my life and will never ever come in my life again. I still remember my mom’s face glowing and excited when I gave her my ATM card to access my bank account. She was all too excited to learn how to operate the ATM.
She was illiterate but I proudly claim that an educated lady was no better than her. She is as smart as any educated lady and can speak Hindi and English better than any graduate in Manipur. If you would see her than you would surely say that she is younger than I am. And yes, she is a damsel. None of you would ever believe that she is my mom. Back then, when she was here staying with us, I happened to have a fierce argument with her. She was disappointed by the way I shot back at her but she was by my side whether I was wrong or right. It didn’t matter at all to her. I believe this is how mother’s are like. They always take the side of their child no matter what. Even then I never realized her love for me because I always had the feeling that she was someone who would never anticipate anything that I do.
Probably the distance that was prevalent between the two of us ever since my childhood was the reason behind it. But the instant I began to realize her love for me and when I sincerely wanted to do something for her, she left me amidst nowhere. She left me forlorn to find the way on my own. When I think of those days I still regret. I still wish she was alive so that I could give her the best of the world. When I spend sleepless nights for weeks and months, I recall those days during my vacations when she used to spend waking up all night sitting by side, when I lay there dead asleep.
I guess I am paying for my sins that I have committed. I do not regret for what I am today but I regret for what I have done because of sheer foolishness. But mom, if my words would ever reach you then I wish to say that, “You are the best mom that anyone could ever ask for. And I loved you always but I never had the guts to express it because I found it quite embarrassing as I feared that you might laugh it off as a hlilarious joke”. And till this day, I regret for not having told you this. If I ever had one last chance to say this…!
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