An Invaluable Lesson!

Words lay scattered here and there, but why is it difficult to put them together. Umpteen number of thoughts come and go, but pouring them out into meaningful sentences seems impossible. Looking beyond the impossible, waiting for the impossible to be possible, considering life to be just a series of events, this is all what I sought for. Am I expecting too much. With every wistful thought, comes along a ray of hope. But why is it difficult to cling on to the hopes.

Okay I am a pessimist and probably that’s why wistfulness takes the better of me. But am I born with pessimism? Probably no! Yet instilling optimistic thoughts in myself seems to be an unbeatable task.

Is it a sin to live life in a virtual world? Am I being foolish in seeking comfort from virtual friends? Are those people online simply bots with no heart and soul?

Probably there is no room for such things here. Seeking for a reliable companion here to help me unload the burden on my shoulder seems like I am displaying my dumbness. Seeking virtual friend’s shoulder to rely on might sound like I have no one around me to rely on. Well to a certain extent u may be right but at times it is easier to disclose something to a known yet unknown virtual friend about certain things which u find it hard to disclose it to your near and dear ones. hmm… well this is just a series of thoughts that has been troubling me since the last couple of days.. an invaluable lesson I learned is if u can’t keep a secret then don’t expect others to keep.. how well said!!

A Sin That Will Remain With Me Forever!

I am sure that I am in a dilemma for certain things that I have done. When I had initiated that action of mine, I was sure that I was right but, when I think of it now, I am sure that I was wrong. Though, it had taught me a lesson, yet I am unable to cope up with the loss that those involved had to go through. I still don’t know whether I was follo...wing my heart or my mind, for the mistake that I made was grave. And I am still unable to comprehend it.

Having stayed away from ever since I gained my consciousness, I, kind of ,understand the world and it’s preaching from my friends and teachers' point of view rather than my parents. Maybe I am the one who is at fault but I have always learnt things from my friends and teachers rather than my parents. It was my granny who taught me how to walk and speak. It was through her that I learnt the word ‘Ema’. I was away from home ever since I learnt to write ABC without understanding what was it. I never knew what family value was because when I began to understand certain things about life I found myself in the company of friends to comfort me and under the supervision of a warden who was very strict and whom we all feared.

After having done PG, then only I realized the true value of a family. I had passed out from the university and before my result was out I got a job. I started working then and there. My parents were quite happy with the achievement and my mom was dying to come here and stay with us. So just to fulfill her wishes we invited her over and stayed with her for over two months. When I recall those days, I believe that was the best days of my life and will never ever come in my life again. I still remember my mom’s face glowing and excited when I gave her my ATM card to access my bank account. She was all too excited to learn how to operate the ATM.

She was illiterate but I proudly claim that an educated lady was no better than her. She is as smart as any educated lady and can speak Hindi and English better than any graduate in Manipur. If you would see her than you would surely say that she is younger than I am. And yes, she is a damsel. None of you would ever believe that she is my mom. Back then, when she was here staying with us, I happened to have a fierce argument with her. She was disappointed by the way I shot back at her but she was by my side whether I was wrong or right. It didn’t matter at all to her. I believe this is how mother’s are like. They always take the side of their child no matter what. Even then I never realized her love for me because I always had the feeling that she was someone who would never anticipate anything that I do.

Probably the distance that was prevalent between the two of us ever since my childhood was the reason behind it. But the instant I began to realize her love for me and when I sincerely wanted to do something for her, she left me amidst nowhere. She left me forlorn to find the way on my own. When I think of those days I still regret. I still wish she was alive so that I could give her the best of the world. When I spend sleepless nights for weeks and months, I recall those days during my vacations when she used to spend waking up all night sitting by side, when I lay there dead asleep.

I guess I am paying for my sins that I have committed. I do not regret for what I am today but I regret for what I have done because of sheer foolishness. But mom, if my words would ever reach you then I wish to say that, “You are the best mom that anyone could ever ask for. And I loved you always but I never had the guts to express it because I found it quite embarrassing as I feared that you might laugh it off as a hlilarious joke”. And till this day, I regret for not having told you this. If I ever had one last chance to say this…!

For Someone Very Intimate...

Sometimes there are certain conditions that are unexplainable… Impossible are the things to explain… for it is not possible for every Tom, Dick and Harry to understand to what a person undergoes unless they are in the situation themselves… Trying to put their feet in the shoe and one who have already had their feet in the shoe are two different thi...ngs... one might sympathize or empathize with the person but unless we go through it…we don't know it...

As a sensible human we might understand it… empathize or sympathize with it... but we will never be able to understand the pang the person had gone through... though we might feel that if I were her or him I would have done these and that... but unless we go through it... it is hard to anticipate it... and sadly this is one truth which is hard to endorse.

When we see a lady sitting in a bar with a mug of beer in one hand and a fag on the other... all that we see is a lady getting drunk and fagging giving the world a damn... we do not try to foresee the reason behind it... however we cannot blame anyone for this... The blame simply goes to how we have been brought up… how we have been made to think this way... how our minds have been conditioned right from our childhood... we simply cannot change the way we think that we have been made to, in a couple of years...

To relate a real life story...

There was a time when we were shock to see a fellow brethren smoking in a discotheque or a pub... I once had the same experience a couple of years ago... back then I was in school... in the 90's... I was shocked to see a charming lady… who was a fellow brethren in her late 20s to see her smoke in public... I stared at her when she fagged with a damn care attitude... back then I never realized the fact why was she fagging... all I could see was the face value... that lady out there, besides being from a society with a rich culture and heritage (without ignoring the fact that she belongs to a respectable family)... she is degrading our clan and our culture...

Maybe I was imbecile to have thought that way... maybe I had a narrow perspective about life back then... whatever maybe the reason... I was at fault to have arrived to such a conclusion on my own... ignoring all the facts... as a matter of fact being inexperienced is not an excuse (please note that I am not trying to prove that I was right back then because I knew nothing nothing about things beyond my comfort zone)… because of the simple reason that I never knew about it... had I been the way I am today… I am confident enough to admit the fact that I would have never reacted the way I had reacted back then…

All that I wish to convey is until and unless one goes though the complexities of life… one might anticipate and empathize with it but will never understand the pang the person himself/herself is going through…

P.S – This is a sincere confession!

Just a Thought...

Looking back to the bygone days gives an eerie feeling. A number of incident occurred. Not all of them may be good incidents to recall but whether good or bad all the incidents were good enough to be an excellent teacher. I have learnt many things from those incidents. There are times when I loathe those days but on second thought I thank my stars for having gone through it. Or else I would have never known the meaning of life.

When Thomas Hardy wrote, “Character is the destiny of man” in his novel “The Mayor of Casterbridge”, I always took it very lightly. But of late, I have begun to realize that no one writes for the sake of writing. Every word being put down in writing has a purpose to serve. Though I have realized the fact quite late but better late than never.

With all the complexes that life is made up of… adding more complexes in life is something that I would never appreciate doing. Gone are the days when I used to be carefree and had nothing to worry. Oh how wish to go back to those days. Back then, I had never realized that living a life could be so complex.

Come what may we are born to face the harsh truth of life, abide by the social norms to be considered civilized whether we like it or not. There are also certain things which we do not wish to endorse but are compelled to in order to save our face value. Freedom to us is just a word that sounds good to hear but is not entitled to its meaning in the real sense.

Time flies by with me watching it go by silently. Hands tied down... unable to do anything about it... as if I have been straitjacketed. Despite the desire to hold on to it... it seems like I am losing my grip on it. The tighter I hold on it the faster it seems to slip off. My spirits are still high but I don't know how long I will be able to put up with the life I am faking to live.

Living With Memories

Words are never enough to describe how I feel. How hard I try it is always not possible to put in words what I have in mind. Words don’t simply comply with my thoughts. Though I wish to pour out all my heart yet some feelings always remain instilled deep in my soul. Hard to forget are the memories that I have. Some fond, some bitter but I wish to forget all of it to move on. But memories still clung on me and hold me back from moving on. Yes I know fond memories are meant to be cherished and bitter memories are to be laughed at. But I wish to cherish none of them and neither do I wish to laugh at it. I wish if I could drive it off to have a free mind and a free soul. But they do not let me. When I think of those days, I realize how changed I am today. The innocence which I valued the most is no longer in me. There was a time where only laughter and happiness filled my life. But gone are those days and will never come back. I wish if I could go back to those days again. But these are wishes which will remain unfulfilled. And what remain is only memories, some fond and some bitter. Even the fond memories are a pain to cherish. I long to forget it ….